I’ll be up come morning light

I can’t sleep, again. It seems almost inevitable that I’ll still be awake when the foggy light starts creeping into the corners of my room. It’s currently 0500 CST, and I’m curled into my usual slouch on the sofa.

In order to get myself to sleep, I’ll typically plan debates regarding certain issues (gun regulation, abortion, plastic surgery) in my head and play them out; all possible scenarios will play and replay, with every imaginable argument being brought up. These debates will continue on, with myself monologuing to an interested imaginary figment, counting off pros and cons of the subject matter. Other times I’ll reexamine things I’ve learned (breaking down the basics of musical percussion, cleaning and maintaining a rifle, how evolution and natural/artificial selection work). I’ll pretend I’ve got a “student”, with myself simplifying said subject. These are the most common ways for me to burn myself out before resting.

However, it would appear as though I’ve begun to develop a nasty hypnogogic habit of riling myself back into consciousness: “exploding head syndrome”.

I’ve experienced all manner of sleep phenomena, my most unusual (and terrifying) being sleep paralysis. After learning a little bit more about it (several years ago this is), I discovered it’s not all that uncommon, with the occurrence being a completely logical explanation for supposed visitations by aliens/witches/demons. You see, the body enters a state of relaxation while the mind remains in a state of complete consciousness. The individual struck by it experiences a sensation of being completely paralyzed, while feeling as though they were floating. Sometimes, said “victim” will feel a great weight being placed on their chest (causing panic), with the more afflicted seeing figures and hearing strange droning sounds. The figures appear to the person as something evil (mine being a great, beastly gargoyle with blackened skin and white eyes) while the sounds seem to be pretty random (mine being what sounds like toddlers screaming). This conscious nightmare afflicts a great deal of people and is unfortunately attributed to be a demonic possession or extraterrestrial experience. Even my own mother experiences it from time to time. It’s a particularly ominous feeling that produces a short lived sense of dread, something I’ve learned to get over.

Other times I’ll experience extreme recurring dreams. These are mundane, but always entail the same routine: I will experience waking up, and then actually wake up. After realizing that I was only dreaming, I’ll immediately fall asleep again, only to experience the exact same dream. Then I’ll awaken, again. This will go on for a few hours, and I’ll wake dozens of times in a single night.

Sometimes I’ll induce a sort of hypnosis upon myself. It is a feeling similar to sleep paralysis, but is not terrifying in the slightest. Yes, you can hypnotize yourself if you will it, though it’s something I’ve only been able to achieve maybe once or twice.

This time around, I’ve happened to get something that’s described as “exploding head syndrome”. It’s another hypnogogic phenomenon that can be rather annoying. The individual will start to descend into unconsciousness before hearing an explosive sound within their own head. It’s only occurred twice so far, but I’m afraid it’ll develop.

The first time was two nights ago (where I again failed to sleep), after working till 1AM. I hadn’t slept in days, I was fatigued and desperately needed to rest. I had almost reached my goal, with my head on my pillow, completely relaxed, when I began to hear what sounded like stomping feet throughout the hallway outside. It was a low rumble that grew louder and louder. At it’s height I recognized the noise as a washing machine, unbalanced and shaking on it’s spin cycle. It continued to get louder until it was deafening, and then silence. It was enough to jolt me awake, myself expecting to be in the laundry closet, surprised I was still in bed.

This morning, it was the sound of my father’s voice. He called my name, like he was searching for me. It was enough to keep me up for another three hours before I got up and came here.

My mother and myself frequently suffer from the effects sleep deprivation, be it brought on by chance or by physical exhaustion. Frequently (for us both), it seems like simple jerks that merely delay our resting. Occasionally, it’ll be something a little more unique, such as what I’d described. I don’t know what to make of it. I’d rather be inconvenienced by odd happenings like the paralysis and whatnot, as opposed to frequent nightmares like some folks have, but I can’t keep going so many days without true relief.

There doesn’t seem to be many reliable explanations for any of these occurrences. It seems like sleep is a largely elusive and misunderstood process, even by the most respected scientists. I need some head powders and a cup of coffee.